Fred Astaire, an iconic American entertainer once said, “the hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”
Wikipedia defines etiquette as follows: Etiquette (/ˈɛtikɛt, -kɪt/) is the set of conventional rules of personal behaviour in polite society, usually in the form of an ethical code that delineates the expected and accepted social behaviours that accord with the conventions and normsobserved by a society, a social class, or a social group. In modern English usage, the French word étiquette(French: [etikɛt]; lit. ’label, tag, memo, etc.’) dates from the year 1750.[2]
The Cambridge Dictionary defines manners as: ways of behaving toward people, especially ways that are socially correct and show respect for their comfort and their feelings:
It’s 1967, I am 13 years old, living in Albuquerque, New Mexico, anticipating my next big jump toward adulthood when I become a stud 9th grader at Jefferson Junior High. The big event is only a few short months away. Life is good. I survived seventh and eighth grades, I have the perfect California style “sosh” haircut, I am making a solid showing at third base for my little league baseball team, I have one of the fastest slot cars on the track (look it up, a lot funner than video games) and I just gave my engraved ID bracelet (big thing back then) to my first steady girlfriend – Pam. Man, I am killing it! And then an announcement that brought everything crashing down, all at the same time. From my mother, “It is time you go to cotillion.” Wait, what? Cotillion? Isn’t that something girls go to? Whoa, whoa, whoa, cotillion? You mean those classes that turn you into a sissy? Why do I need to learn how to set a table properly or how to dance a waltz or how to use proper terms like, “yes ma’am”, “no sir”, “please pass the pepper”, or why does any man need to know how to hold the door for a lady? I already know my manners, sort of. I watch how John Wayne, Eddie Haskell and Ben Cartwright do things on TV – that’s all I need isn’t it? Pleading my case did absolutely no good. She had already signed me up for the classes at my dad’s country club and I was going, like it or not. It would be six weeks of complete embarrassment, death two hours at a time. I was told learning proper etiquette and manners would serve me well when I enter adulthood and start a career and a family. All I could think about was if my buddies found out I would be sitting the bench in baseball, probably get kicked off the football team, they would make fun of me in front of Pam and I would be deemed unworthy to wear my black Converse Chuck Taylors. This was a true disaster movie and I am playing the lead role!
That was over 50 years ago and the experience is still seared into my brain like someone used a “cotillion” branding iron on me. I will never forget the first time I had to ask one of the girls to dance with me. I surveyed the room in a effort to assess the level of talent in attendance. Naturally, given the circumstances there were three times as many girls as there were boys. Finally picking out the one that appeared to be the cutest of the group I approached her with all the charm and sachet a 13 year old big man on campus could muster and asked her if she wanted to dance. As I stood in front of her chair, hands stuffed as deep as possible in my trouser pockets she began to rise out of her seat. She arose and then she continued to rise, you see, she was a good 6″ taller than me. Oops, I had become enamored with the cute face and hair and forgot to check out anything else – like the length of her legs. So there we were, “long tall Sally” and “Doug the fire plug” (as I had come to be known), facing each other up and down, trying to figure out the least awkward way to assume the proper dance hold and then execute a 3:4 waltz. I had scouted out potential escape routes in case things got really bad and it was about time to test one of them out. The first one was an emergency trip to the restroom. It seemed like a reasonable way out – declare the emergency just as the music begins, make sure the music has stopped, indicating the dance is over before returning, then nonchalantly make my way back to my chair having escaped the dance. The only problem was, when the instructor noticed me leaving the room, she stopped the music and used the time as a teaching moment, explaining how to properly ask permission to excuse one’s self from an activity and how to properly re-enter a room and re-engage one’s dance partner. Talking about “failure to launch.” Not only did I not avoid the dancing but I had also become an example used for a teaching moment!
I could go on and on about the six weeks of hell that was cotillion classes but the truth be told, the long term impact has been nothing but positive. I am a firm believer that manners and etiquette are a required component for the establishment and maintenance of a civilized society. My mother’s insistence that I attend cotillion classes was an important step toward insuring my success as an adult. Learning proper etiquette and manners set me up to conduct myself properly in both business and social environments. It sounds trivial, but just knowing the correct way to work your way through the silverware surrounding your plate and which bread plate and water glass are yours at a business dinner can be a big deal. Standing for a lady when she leaves the table or knowing how to help her be seated, which direction to pass plates, how to break and butter a dinner roll and knowing it is not mannerly to wave across a room to acknowledge an acquaintance are all examples of rules of etiquette that can set you up for success or failure.
In today’s world, etiquette and manners have been run over by the imagined need to be brash and self-promoting. The “it’s all about me” movement, largely promoted through social media, overshadows any consideration of etiquette and manners. “Politeness” is a forgotten virtue. There are small indications of this, everywhere you look. When I walk into a nice restaurant and see a guy sitting at a table with his golf cap on, my first thought is, he must be either an arrogant slob or completely ignorant of proper manners. Hey, I know not everyone had the benefit of going to cotillion, but just having the moxie to make a few observations about proper behavior can help you figure out the basics. Being a good an example for our kids also has a lot to do with it. I can tell you from experience, when I went out with my parents, my hat stayed in the car. I never was allowed to wear a hat indoors, it was simply bad manners. I once heard Jack Vickers, the founder and owner of The Golf Club at Castle Pines admonish a member who had his hat on in the club house saying, “I have yet to experience rain in this clubhouse. Hats are not necessary. Please remove yours or go back outside.” If I was wearing a hat when introduced to a lady, no matter where I was at, and I did not remove it before acknowledging her, I could expect a nice firm slap on the back of my head delivered intentionally by my dad. Opening the car door for a date or holding the door at the store so a lady could enter first were other expected behaviors. Good manners also necessitated the use of good language. Slang words were forbidden and the use of any swear words would result in indefinite “grounding.” I was always told my choice of words was a clear indicator of character. Dropping an f-bomb would be observed as low class, dirty minded and in some circles result in classifying the offender as a deviant for life. Today, some men and women use the word two or three times in a sentence without apologies. Using the Lord’s name in vain was also a big no no. That slip up could actually result in one’s mouth being washed out (literally) with soap. At the very least a few hours isolated in my bedroom, missing some fun with my friends, was the punishment for lack of discretion in my choice of words.
Etiquette and manners are also indicative of your relationship with God. It is very simple, how can you display love for your spouse, love for your children, love for your friends, love for your country and most importantly love for your Lord if you are self indulging, disrespectful, unethical, or impolite? In Colossians 1:10 The Bible instructs us “to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him.” In Titus 3:2 it says, “to speak evil of no one and to avoid quarreling, to be gentle and to show perfect courtesy of all people.” You see, to ignore manners and etiquette is offensive to God.
So on this Thanksgiving Day, 2022, my prayer for you and for our world is that we all show our friends, our business associates, people we have never met and our families the courtesy of good etiquette and manners. I am confident you will spend part of today telling people you care about how thankful you are for them. Show them your thankfulness by affording them the opportunity to observe your reliance on etiquette and manners in everything you do, not just on holidays but every day. Set an example for your children and grandchildren. I promise you they pay attention to the way you conduct yourself around others and showing them the importance of etiquette and manners will set them up for future success. It’s all in your hands and by-the-way, your bread plate is always on the left!
Doug's Journey 