So Once Again it is Christmas!

For those of you who have followed this blog for a while you have probably read one of my past posts about Christmas and our family traditions. There is one tradition I have not touched on but hey, there is no time like this time right?

A few decades back (I’m not counting them because it would probably scare me), the tradition of exchanging Christmas cards changed when “Christmas letters” started showing up along with the card. These letters contained all the details of the writer’s year. More information than you would ever ask for. Some writers even went down to a size 8 font so they could get everything they wanted you to know on a single page. The only problem was the font was so small you couldn’t read it without a magnifying glass. So guess what? I didn’t! Christmas letters can be worse than most peoples’ Facebook page and we all know how bad those can be.

Well, being the wise guy that I tend to be and seeing an opportunity to jump on the Christmas letter band wagon, I made up my mind that it was time for me to start writing a Christmas letter. Only my letter was going to have a little twist to it, and those who have ever read one probably say the letter is just plain twisted. As a result, some 20 plus years ago, “The Dreaded Ideker Family Christmas Letter” was born and to the chagrin of those who are on the mailing list it still arrives, just like the flu, every year.

I am going to give you a few examples of the opening paragraph because it will give you an idea about the flow of the my writing and the intent of the letter. For example the letter in 2010 began: When FDR uttered those famous words – “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he obviously had never been exposed to the idea of the annual Christmas letter.  Yes friends, you should be very afraid because believe it or not it is once again time for that most frightening of Christmas traditions, the arrival of “The Dreaded Ideker Family Christmas Letter.”  So round up the grand kids (your kids are probably grown by now and know better than to listen to this dribble), kick the dog out in the snow (last year you brought him in, it’s time to let him out again), pour yourself a nice toddy and prepare to read everything you don’t want to know and certainly wouldn’t ask about 2010 at The Idekers. In 2012 the world had given me new fodder so the letter started out as: Ho, Ho, Ho, Hey, Hey, Hey, Santa’s on his way and oh by the way, so is Obamacare and higher taxes.   Oh well, there are worse things in life and you are about to experience one of them. That’s right, it is time for the most self-serving and despised Christmas tradition – “The Dreaded Ideker Family Christmas Letter.”  So gather up the family, mix yourself a nice strong holiday libation, fire up your magic Amish heater and get ready to read everything you don’t want to know and certainly wouldn’t ask about 2012 at the Ideker household. Then in 2020, as we were dealing with the global pandemic, I wrote the following introduction: Ho, Ho, Ho, Hey, Hey, Hey, I can’t wait to get 2020 out of the way, but there are a few good things that came out of it.  First, you don’t have to go to your in-law’s house for their annual Christmas party because with everyone wearing masks they will never know if you are there. Next, you don’t have to fret about what to get everyone this year, just buy them a box of disposable masks and if they are really Covid paranoid you might throw in some Clorox wipes.  They will never again talk about how insensitive and out of touch you are.  Finally, the pandemic gives you the ultimate tool to avoid annoying people.  Simply carry around one of those digital thermometers.  When you are in the company of someone who really drives you crazy, pull it out, insist on taking their temperature, announce it is 103 (they will be so concerned they won’t ask to see it) and send them on their way to the nearest testing site.  Wow, this Covid thing isn’t so bad.  However, despite the challenges 2020 has presented, no matter how bad you think the election and the pandemic have been, there is still one unrelenting threat to life that is worse than the Spanish Flu, the Bird Flu, the Swine Flu or even the Flu Flu.  There is no vaccine, no known cure, no real hope for control of this threat. Yes friends, I am speaking of the greatest threat to life as we know it, “The Dreaded Ideker Family Christmas Letter” and you are now holding it in your over-washed, dried up hands. So use a little of that hand sanitizer you stole from the 7-11 bathroom,  put Tiger King on pause, pour yourself a good strong drink, have the family gather around (socially distanced with masks on of course) and get ready to read everything you don’t want to know and certainly wouldn’t ask about The Ideker Family in 2020. 

By now you are probably thinking, “this guy has totally lost it and why am I wasting my time reading this?” Well, as I have said, Christmas is about traditions and believe it or not, many of the recipients now consider “The Dreaded Ideker Family Christmas Letter” a tradition. If I don’t get it in the mail early enough and it doesn’t arrive by the second week of December, I start getting emails wondering where it is and why I didn’t get it out sooner? It’s almost like hate mail only for some reason these people actually look forward to getting my letter. I’ve created a monster so to speak. I am not suggesting my letter carries the importance of time honored family Christmas traditions such as going to candle light service on Christmas Eve, or serving green chile and tamales along with oyster stew for Christmas Eve supper. I would never compare the tradition of a reading a somewhat irreverent Christmas letter to gathering the family together to read the Christmas story in Luke 2 in the Bible or lying in bed on Christmas Eve, reading The Night Before Christmas to your child. Those are all things that really make Christmas the special time of year it is. And yes, I do really care about what took place in your life during the year – births, deaths, moves, promotions, lost teeth, lost jobs, children, grandchildren, vacations, health issues, etc. All of those things are part of the cycle of life God created for us. A cycle that was forever changed on a dark night in Bethlehem where in a manger a virgin gave birth to the one who changed traditions forever.

So if you are one of those traditional Christmas letter writers and I have offended you, get over it and keep writing your letter. Just don’t try to copy mine because the world can’t take more than one.